It's hard to know where to draw the line...

Christopher Lee Donovan, NH, 2011

...and how darkly to draw it. And over time the line tends to wiggle, blur, split, and migrate altogether. Making it, of course, no longer a line, until a new line--a very different one, usually--is established.

The other day I got an email.

On the one hand, it was extremely courteous, and it was very up-front and honest--no details of what was being asked were hidden. In my mind, being candid and up-front is paramount, and it's never wrong to ASK for something as long as you do so transparently and can take "no" for an answer.

On the other hand, the proposition of the email was something that I found absolutely impossible to call "art" rather than a personally-motivated sex-trade transaction. Which is absolutely fine--but belongs in a different playground than the one that I play in, and is not something I could ever sanction as artistic.

Basically, the "photographer" wanted to pay me to send him cell phone pictures of myself shaving my pubic hair. The message was a page or two long, detailing how this was part of some grand art project of his, compiled entirely of cell phone self-portraits of various girls flashing their boobs and masturbating.

Initially I was offended at the stupidity of the request--not because of what he was asking, but because he kept saying it was part of an "art project", going into in-depth explanations, as if making the assumption that I would blindly regard it as a noble cause if only he managed to justify it well enough...all of which seemed an insult to my intelligence, given that I normally would never think of doing such a thing for money.

Then I realized it really had nothing to do with me. He probably wasn't trying to "trick" me into doing something I wouldn't normally do. Perhaps he really DID think of it as an art project, and that was what he told himself. Perhaps it was a genuine social experiment he was hoping to carry out. Perhaps it was his justification to HIMSELF more so than to me.

So I sent a response, trying to be as kind, honest, and constructive as humanly possible without being a pushover. I told him that I appreciated his candor and courtesy, but that I couldn't understand his project [nor his role IN his project as either an artist or a photographer], and that I found his request to be somewhat offensive as I didn't consider it something that fell within the parameters of "art modeling" or within my personal limits, and that I suspected a lot of full-time MM models may feel similarly. All that being said, perhaps he'd have better luck on other websites with more like-minded members: fetlife in particular as a place to find more open-minded, even exhibitionistic, participants, but also some paysites [as he was essentially soliciting "cam-girl" type services"] and possibly certain dating/networking sites.

Patience is not my strong suit, and my "bullshit, bullshit, bullshit," alarms were blaring at this guy, but I tried to be genuine and gentle, I really did.

Anyway, suffice it to say that he wasn't happy with my message [in one part of his message he bashed a photo of mine saying that it was liable to cause people to judge me, so I went ahead and stuck it at the top of this entry for your judging pleasure].

But the thing that really set me off was that he explained that his project had artistic merit...on the grounds that he's a professional photographer and does other photographic work.

First of all--I have no way of even knowing if that's true. I've come across fake portfolios before. It's the Internet. He's got no references, no evidence of anyone who's worked with him, because he doesn't shoot models--he shoots commercial/travel stuff. [Supposedly.]

But more importantly...okay. When someone asks me to send him crappy up-close cell phone photos of my vagina, I see "male seeks female for straight-from-the-source amateur porn." I don't care if he's usually a lawyer or a doctor or a movie star or a bum...or a photographer. When he offers me a few scraps of cash in exchange for the rights to ogle my pussy at low-resolution, then in the context of our interactions, he's just an Internet pervert. Identifying as a photographer doesn't win you some sort of all-access key to every girl who identifies herself as a model.

That shit doesn't take a camera, let alone any skill or creativity--it just takes a PayPal account.

You don't get to break the no-touching rules when you're watching the dancers at a strip club just because you've got a day job as a personal trainer or a massage therapist.

So I told him in no uncertain terms what was on my mind. A part of me wishes that I hadn't been quite so cross the second time around [I can be pretty fucking harsh when someone pushes past my tolerance level], but so it goes.

Anyway.

I do NOT think that man was any sort of predator at all--he was quite honest about what he was seeking. What I DO think he was is self-deluding, which is why I think my message back to him [suggesting that his project might not be interpreted as art by the general ModelMayhem population and that he might be more successful on sites like Fetlife] offended him so much.

There is an epidemic of photographers who lie to themselves--I have heard NO ONE complain as much about the dreaded "GWCs" as GWCs who are in denial that they themselves are GWCs, who see themselves as belonging to some other category, and who likely complain so much because a subconscious part of them knows that, really, their motives are no different.

Honestly? I appreciate the honest GWCs. The ones who know what they're after--and they're still courteous and respectful, but they don't put on all these bullshit airs. The ones who will come out and say, "Yeah, I'm looking to shoot glamour nudes; I'm looking for very sensual poses and expressions," instead of making some scrambling attempts to disguise their sex-appeal-motivated work as "fine art" [whatever that even means], which is how you end up with unhappy models who wind up feeling like they've been tricked into shooting something smuttier than their comfort level likes. There are plenty of models who LOVE shooting glamour--your work will come out better if you just work with them from the get-go, instead of trying to sweet-talk some asexual tight-bun traditional-art girl.

As far as I go, I don't know where the line is drawn. I've certainly done some glamour work, and some erotic work. I've also refused some glamour work, and refused a LOT of erotic work. I've certainly worked for beginner photographers, or with photographers who were not beginners but whose work didn't resonate with me, and I've certainly factored payment into my decision of whether or not to work for someone [though money is never a reason all by itself--not if the photographer is an asshole or potentially unsafe, and not if the work is completely out of my comfort zone]. I've worked with some photographers whom I would regard as GWCs, and I've also refused some photographers purely because I felt they were GWCs. There are so many factors that go into it--of course, much of it has to do with who the photographer is as a person [if he is a cool guy, courteous, and fun, then I am a lot less picky about what sort of work he's shooting than if he's rude or crass or flaky], but in truth a lot of it has to do with where I am, personally, at the time. And that's a variable that no one else can control.

But anyway, moral of the story: just be frank--with yourself, and with the models you contact. Every model has different motivations for modeling, and different limits. Let the dissenting models say no--even if they judge you, it doesn't matter in the long run. Plenty of other models will eagerly say yes and enjoy working with you, and everyone will be happier.

PS: To end on a positive note...there have been a few times in the past where I looked at a photographers portfolio and instantly thought, "Yup, GWC," and, for whatever reasons, agreed to work with him anyway...and wound up getting absolutely PHENOMENAL images and having a GREAT time. That's the thing that keeps me from being too judgmental of a photographer based on his work--my decisions are far more affected by the messages he sends me, how he comes across, how much bullshit he spews, how direct and sincere he is [or she, of course--but I'm usually not concerned with "Girl With Camera" types so it's irrelevant for this entry].

Bleeeugh

Andrew Kaiser, Portland, OR, 2011

Trivial things about me, since I'm feeling distinctly ew-gross-it's-the-Internet today:

1. I generally travel with a small stuffed white tiger that I've had since I was six. He's worn this weird reddish tulip kerchief for the last ten years or so. He's currently hanging out on the cot I've set up under the trees outside [it's been so beautiful and warm I don't need a sleeping bag].
2. There are few slang terms, if any, that annoy me more than "hella". Despite being from the Bay--or perhaps because of it.
3. On the other hand, I tend to abuse "dude" and "sweet". I guess I couldn't completely escape my California heritage, after all.
3. Despite my nomadic tendencies, and my minimalism in practice when I DO have a home base somewhere [I never bother with furnishing or decorating any room I live in--the rule is that I should be able to move out within ten minutes, half hour tops], and my disregard for fashion...
4. ...I've had an uncharacteristic penchant for interior design my whole life. I can spend hours poring over home improvement catalogs with good pictures. I don't get it, either.
5. I didn't complete any math classes between seventh-grade Algebra and college Calculus. My first Calculus thought I was on the slow side for the first couple weeks, since I didn't know my Trig functions nor what logarithms were.
6. In addition to modeling, I've been paid to write resumes. Funnily enough, I haven't had to write a resume for myself since I was seventeen.

Voyeurism

Magicc Imagery, Maryland, 2011

Sometimes it's the candid behind-the-scenes shots that wind up being my favorites.

This cat was following us everywhere, so I stopped to give it some attention.

Scott and I had been in touch since I had first, first begun modeling and he was one of my most encouraging supporters-from-a-distance early on in my career. When we finally had our first shoot, years later, it was on a really cool organic farm sort of place--there was so much to play with. I wound up scrambling up a huge pile of mulch [I swear the thing was almost thirty feet high] in order to hang naked off the bucket arm of a backhoe that was perched on top.

We did standard figure work, as well--but these plain and simple--even accidental--shots often end up being my favorites. Not only from my shoots with Scott, but in general. In a way, they're more revealing than the most vulnerable, ripped-open stare of a subject into the lens a camera could ever be.

Our second shoot was even cooler. I'd mentioned offhand to him that I'd been wanting to meet the model Melissa Trout, since I'd heard a lot of things about her that had given me the impression I'd like her.

So he surprised me by booking us both when I was next in DC, and the entire shoot revolved around the two of us sitting at a table drinking coffee and eating croissants that he'd prepared in a quaint setup, and then doing each other's hair by a window. He said, "Just talk for the next hour or two, ignore me, and I'll try to capture something cool."

He did--there are a load of cute shots of us laughing, talking, eating, spacing out. Here's one of them:

Magicc Imagery, Gaithersburg, MD, 2011

Where are you all COMING from?

So, first of all.

I've just noticed that the page views for this blog skyrocketed [relative to what they were before] a day or two ago. Tripled, at least--and particularly on a day when I didn't even make any updates. What the fuck?

Weird. It's not like this is the only site on the Internet featuring nude photos.

I guess I should be excited or something, right? Why would I be sticking all this stuff online, if not to gain some sort of readership? I AM excited, or at least I assume I must be--but right now I'm more surprised than anything. Seriously--I've got no clue where you all just came from. Unless I just have one very redundant stalker who checks my blog a squillion times a day.

Anyway, switching gears back to life:

This place is incredible.

I arrived--the school itself is tucked away on the instructor's beautiful property--full of buildings he made himself [he's also a carpenter] and a vegetable garden. The classroom itself takes place in a large barn [built by our instructor, of course], complete with a sleeping area, kitchen, bathroom and shower, a skeleton and various models of human anatomy, tapestries illustrating different relevant concepts...a didgeridoo...

We're allowed to sleep on the grounds--in either the classroom barn, a large backyard teepee, or outside anywhere [I just set up one of his cots last night and passed out under the trees and stars]. The night had that summer pulse to it. A single cockroach crawled over me in a friendly sort of way, and for some reason I found it more comforting than disgusting.

13.3 hours of class a day, taken with four other students--already we've been cementing a sort of familial feeling that I find almost nowhere, and it's been unusually easy and natural to do so. The curriculum is EXTREMELY broad, and some of it is pretty esoteric [for instance, I was attuned to Reiki 1 today--a concept I hadn't even heard of until recently, and a lot of our curriculum revolves around Eastern medicine and "energetic" concepts].

As far as the "esoteric" stuff goes, now's a good time for that sort of thing: I grew up a hard-hard-hardcore skeptic who gave no consideration to anything that wasn't based strictly on the physical sciences--even psychology and some biology were "New Age hoodoo juju" to me--but my attitude has been softening a bit due to my experiences of the last two years and I'm not a lot more receptive to giving every school of thought a sincere, open-minded chance before writing it off as hokum.

I'm pretty fucking excited. Intense-and-short-term is what suits me.

Okay, okay, I know what you're here for. Figured this entry mandated a nature-y sort of photo:

Bob Freund, Bay Area, CA, 2011

What's to come

Bob Freund, Sudbury, MA, 2011

So I've really started getting into yoga. REEEEALLY started getting into it.

Bob Freund, Sudbury, MA, 2011

I've been doing at least one hour [often two or three] of intensive yoga practice--various styles, either extremely strength-and-balance-focused [power yoga or stronger vinyasa flow routines], or very deep stretching [yin yoga or slow flow]. Per day.

Bob Freund, Sudbury, MA, 2011

These photos were all taken BEFORE my current yoga kick took off. I haven't done any crazy figure work in a while and I'm extremely excited to see what sort of posing I'm now capable of--my strength, balance, flexibility and focus/gracefulness/flow have all been improved upon. Hint, hint! 8]

Paul Ward, Brooklyn, NY, 2011

Not that anyone particularly cars, but I've been really into this thing called Shadow Yoga, which I discovered by accident through a Power class. The movements are beautiful and rather ambitious--I've been humbled quite a bit through the learning process. Even more so, I've been REALLY interested in Tantric yoga [it's not what it sounds like], and since last winter have been into Unnata [aerial silk hammock] yoga.

Paul Ward, Brooklyn, NY, 2011

Anyway, tomorrow marks my first day of an intensive, 24/7 massage therapy course in Mariposa. At the end of it I should have enough hours to get my California Practitioner License [though I'm not yet sure which state I'm going to be based in this winter]. I'm quite excited. 8]

Duh

 I love this photo so much that it gets its own entry.

Rebecca Lawrence took this in late 2011--featuring Keira Grant, Meghan Claire, and me. What a rare occasion--we're all in the same state at the same time. When has that ever happened? [Never, is the correct answer.] [And it likely will never happen again--not all four of us at once, anyway.]

Anyway, this is the tail end of what had originally been a dinner party at Keira's boyfriend's place among friends, most of whom were not connected with the modeling world.

Then all the boys went home, so we took our clothes off.

But this sort of thing is one of the best parts of modeling--meeting other girls who are quintessentially unabashed in their approaches to [whatever]. 

After a few hundred pretty photos...

...I much prefer looking a bit destroyed. To me, that's far more beautiful.

Looking like I stink--dirty, grimy, sweaty, swamp monster with sticks in my hair. Yes.

Looking pissed off, scared, dehydrated, bewildered, drugged, or otherwise mentally compromised.

Showing off my scars, freckles, and frizziness.

MUCH more fun than being asked to make up my face and hair, suck it in, stick it out, engage the camera with contrived coquettishness.  

Looking to render a pretty girl jaded, ugly, tired, or delirious? I'm your man!

This one's quite recent! By the lovely and multitalented Samantha Ylva Beasley, from when I last visited her and James Wigger. I was coming down with a fever when this was taken, actually. 8]

Deep Exposure, San Jose, 2012. Expired Polaroid.

R Michael Walker, Orange County, CA, 2010.

J Andrescavage, Seeecret location in the Bay Area requiring a solid walk-to, CA, 2010.

Jeff Greer, somewhere green and humid around Washington DC, 2011. I call this the Mowgli-popo-squat.

Murcko Photography, Port Townshend, NY, 2011. My belly was bleeding from a large scratch because of a pin that had been hiding in that dress. There are also shots from this day of me wearing Crocs with my hair in my mouth and covered in sawdust, but I'm too lazy to dig those up just now--another day.

Marco Bhimani, Los Angeles, CA, 2010. Reveling in grossness, dirt, and oil. Also, he let me keep that shirt! 8]

Andrew Kaiser, Sauvie Island, OR, 2012. The swampy, flea-bitten end of a momentous day--these cows all ran up of their own accord and assembled behind me.

Bibliophile

Drop Jaw Photography, Bay Area, CA, 20...10?

Happy Friday the 13th!

Today, I'm not in the mood to pontificate about modeling, traveling, or whatsit.

So in lieu of that, here is a catalog of the books I've been reading since I started modeling, starting with the more recent. I'm likely forgetting some. Some were great, some were awful. Some are rereads. Some are comics. Bite me.

Since I've paused on the traveling thing:
Griffin and Sabine, Nick Bantock [it's a short epistolary picture book, but really charming and with lovely art--I recommend]
Poor Folk, Fyodor Dostoevsky [still working on this one--I started it ages ago and then misplaced my copy, which has just resurfaced in my car--liking it so far]
What is this Thing Called Love, Kim Addonizio [amazing, amazing, amazing contemporary poet--the only one]

On this last trip up the west coast:
Venus in Furs, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch [absolutely beautiful, though not the strongest story]
Battle Royale, Koushun Takami and Masayuki Taguchi [revolting and depressing]
The Story of the Eye, Georges Bataille [this left me incredulous...some of the imagery was impressive, but for the most part I was at a loss to find anything notable about this]
The Story of O, Pauline Reage [same as above, though this one was doubly unredeeming--it lacked both deeper significance AND smut. Okay, I'm being too harsh. I found both of these interesting, but was thankful that they were short.]

In North Dakota/Minnesota:
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy [struck a chord with me and had a genuine influence on my own introspection, but, seriously, it was too long]
Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov [beautifully-written, but the last quarter/third of the book took a strange turn that I didn't like]
Mr. Thompkins in Paperback, George Gamow [fantastical, child-like stories explaining quantum physics concepts--I really liked it]
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carroll [Yay]
The Pearl, John Steinbeck [One of my favorites--I first heard this one in fourth grade on cassette tape, and have found it incredibly beautiful ever since]
Lullaby, Chuck Palahniuk [Another Palahniuk, enough said: there's not much variation in style so you pretty much like them all or hate them all]
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams [Yay]
Howl's Moving Castle, Diana Wynne Jones [Yay]
A book of Oscar Wilde's plays. [None of them hold a candle to Dorian Gray.]
Some random one-shot comic books whose titles escape me [what do you mean, comics don't count?]

Road-tripping through the Midwest, Deep South, and Southwest:
Prozac Nation, Elizabeth Wurtzel [Meh...this was all right]
Running with Scissors, Augusten Burroughs [Fun and quick]
Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens [I was completely engrossed by this one, though the very end was a bit deflated]
The Stand, Stephen King [Again, I liked this one until it made a major shift towards the end]
Tons and tons of Vonnegut! He's my favorite.

In the backcountry, during my hiatus from everything:
Desert Solitaire, Edward Abbey [I love Abbey's way of writing; it has a squillion characteristics of what I want to emulate in my own writing]
Ishmael, Daniel Quinn [vaguely patronizing, but kind of cute]
The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran [surprisingly poignant; I thought this one would annoy me, but I liked it]
The Alchemist, Paolo Coelho [seeming to go hand-in-hand with The Prophet, I read this while quarantined in my tent one day with a sprained ankle--for secret reasons, I'm particularly fond of this one]
Tao Te Ching, Lao-tzu [given to me by my mother before I went into the woods...was beautifully relevant to me when I read it]

Working in an office at NASA, at which point I started modeling:
Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand [this propelled an ugly, obsessive late-teens-Ayn-Rand phase that lost me a bunch of friends, but I recovered a year or so later]
Catch-22, Joseph Heller [fantastic]

Non sequitur

Corpse on Pumpkin, Portland, OR, 2011

Femina indomabilis: ita vero.

Avarus animus nullo satiatur lucro, et fabas indulcet fames.
Quisque creat suus veritatem proprium.

Nullum saeculum magnis ingeniis clausum est.
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam. Aut tace, aut face.

Aspera ad virtutem est via, at cedo nulli.
Candide et secure, aut vincere, aut mori.

Damn straight.

Oh, yeah.

Sometimes I draw, too.

Semi-self-portrait, more or less...almost relevant to modeling?

Yup.

Sorry if I'm turning this blog into Show and Tell.
Actually, scratch that. I'm not sorry at all. So there! 8]

On compensation

Peripheralvision, South Bay Area, CA, 2012

Random rant! [Disclaimer, this rant has nothing to do with the photo I'm posting--working with Rafa was great. It's a new never-before-posted-by-me photo, too!]


Anyway:


If you are downgrading from your top-shelf penthouse, please do not contacting me telling me you really want to work with me but "can't afford" my rate. I understand if you can, but don't want, to pay model rates. Simple solution: don't hire professional models. It's not a dire need [and if it is, you can afford it]. I charge rates that I think are fair.


Any negotiating I agree to has nothing to do with fairness, but with being convinced that it'd be worthwhile, reasonable, or generous for other reasons, and being able to afford the negotiated rate at the time. There are photographers out there who are truly monetarily deficient--and many of them will still throw me what they CAN, rather than what they FEEL like. Honor system. Sometimes all a photographer can offer me is $50, a good conversation, some tea and a sandwich. And that's cool. Sometimes I am not in a financial or logistical position to accept low-ball offers like that, especially while traveling, but other times I am more than happy to be as accommodating as possible--and someone else's lack of funding is NEVER, EVER offensive to me [that would be greedy to the point of idiocy].

What IS offensive to me is when someone tells me online that he's really strapped for cash but really wants to work with me, and I believe him, so he haggles me way down--and then he shows up in some new-fangled Porsche and pulls out a twenty-thousand-dollar camera. There are people who save up for weeks and months to pay models their rates, and it's kind of a big "fuck you" to them as well as to myself when people who can easily afford model rates knock them down, essentially for fun, thanks to the anonymity of the Internet. Sure makes it difficult for me to trust others who may have legitimate limitations.

Personally, I think blowing your budget on gratuitous toys instead of practicing and improving in your craft using what you've got is silly in the first place. Good cameras and accessories have their purpose--to photographers who already know what they're trying to do with them--but a good camera won't make you a better photographer any more than a fancy trad rack will get you up El Capitan, nor any more than a good guitar will make you Jimi Hendrix. If you're going to spend money on your craft, spend it on things that make you better at it--and that'll be different for everyone.

For some that means classes or workshops, for some it means film, for some it means books, for some that means experienced models. And for some, it just means going outside and taking photos a lot, fuck taking classes and using models. And that's plenty respectable, I think.

I have worked for photographers who are full-time artists, and who work menial jobs, and they still find a way to compensate the models they hire [whether that's by reducing the number of shoots they can do, or asking for discounted rates] and I try to be flexible enough to work within anyone's budget--provided that they HAVE a budget ["Uh...come up here and I can probably throw a few bucks at you" is not a BUDGET]--as long as I can also make a living. Of course, that gives them more time to focus on their creativity. I myself have been stranded due to the lack of security my lifestyle brings and have dumpster-dived, slept outside, hitchhiked, and so on--at times out of necessity rather than choice. Of course, I embrace this and see my lifestyle itself as a choice--experience over stability.

But it's the kind of choice that doesn't make me particularly sympathetic to those who loiter around wanting to have their cake and eat it, too, when they could just go ahead and buy two cakes.

Blah

Happy fourth, to all you patriots out there.

I myself am deathly allergic to nationalism on principle, but that's just me. Just going to put it out there.

Not feeling too introspective just now. Lots and lots and lots of change, as usual. Next entry will be better, I promise.

This one's for you, Mark!

On my last trip to Portland I got to wear chain mail jewelry and run around the beach. Pretty dang neat. 8]

MAC Photo, Sauvie Island, OR, 2012

Something I don't get to do enough of...

Christopher Lee Donovan, NH, 2011

...is gender-bending.

I think it's a tough one for me to pull off, since my facial features and figure are so damn effeminate.

But I think these were successful.

I loved working with Chris--shooting with him is such a collaborative process. The basis for his shoot themes revolve almost entirely around the model: her own story, her own turn-ons, dreams, ideas, free associations. I felt completely free to express myself creatively and throw out ideas, while also feeling as if I were working with someone who was an incredibly creative and talented person in his own right. One of the most laid-back, productive, and fun shoots I've had. More of his photos to come in a near-future post, I'm sure--we did quite a lot.

Christopher Lee Donovan, NH, 2011